I can’t speak.
I’m sure people close to me know this. I can’t speak on things sometimes.I could write it out or type it, but never actually say it out loud to express myself.
These past few days could have looked like nothing mattered in the world. Well it “looked” like it than once you see how I feel inside you see everything crumbling slowly and slowly.
Well it’s because I have this fear of bringing something up and I lose somebody. I mentioned it once or twice, but no one knows how big that fear is. I could be irritated by something for a few minutes but in my head I know I shouldn’t say anything because I feel like I would risk losing her. All I picture is me saying something we get angry she walks to the closet after a minute or two I walk in.. I see her packing up to leave. Than I question myself was everything so serious and out of place where it would make you leave? She would always ask me “do you even care?” I always say I do care because I DO! I know my expressions or body language may not say the same. That’s only because I try to keep myself as calm as possible now before I blow up on anything. Anyways when she asks that it makes me think “does she even care?” I ask that solely on the fact that she is packing right before my eyes. It makes me feel that she always has that power to make me fall and become silent for days, months etc. Which is why we probably haven’t spoken to each other in a few days. Because I am speechless about it. like.. star wars when he flys the x-wing to destroy the death star he hits a perfect shot to make the empire fall. You ask me if I care, but youre the one packing to leave saying things like ” I can’t be here”. Please I am not trying to bash on her because I know at least half of this problem is me of course. It’s just trying to overcome fears like this aren’t easy especially when this “instant leave” thing happens often it seems. It’s frustrating it really is.
My physical appearance.. everything thing is fine like a bright blue day, but my emotions on the inside are just raging and crying wondering why am I not able to say things the way I type them out or write them out. My emotions want to bottle up and come up with some kind of way to make both of us happy without one of us sacrificing so much. Because I believe if one sacrifices too much that person will be unhappy in the long run.. I wish hugs and kisses could fix everything I really do.. its just that it only pushes the problem under the rug until you uncover it again..
I dont know maybe I need to change more be more aware of everything. I can only sit here think of shit to do and be unable to speak. Expect talk it out with myself in my head and type it out on a blog like tumblr. I still love her.. But I know these past few days her love for me could be slowly fading because my mentality won’t let me speak out to what I want to say or write out.. I just can’t find the words to what I want.. Only that I know in the long run I still wanna be with you.. Only thing I know for sure.